He was always there for me. I was never there when he needed me. I was selfish. But I refused to realize that. He was there for me when I wanted him and there when I needed him. He put his pain aside and still showed up, still answered the phone, still replied. He reacted through painful sarcasm and I would use his bad attitude to excuse my selfishness.
I don’t know if I didn’t want to, or couldn’t see all that he did for me, even in some of the darkest times in his life. I found myself wanting to be close to him when he was sad, wanting to feed off his energy and trying to exchange his pessimism for my optimism. It took me almost forever to realize that osmosis didn’t work with people..you can’t pull emotions from places of high concentration levels and put them where the concentration is low. People don’t work like that. You can love and never be loved back. You can be lonely with someone who feels completely satisfied with your presence. It usually started off high and ended low with us, and more and more, the conversations and the visits became bitter. At the funeral I looked for him..I’m not sure why I needed to see him so much. Just needed to touch him. To be close. And when I did…when I saw him smile at me..for the first time in forever. I wanted to cry so badly.
He made it so hard to let go, but I was selfish. Always selfish.
“If you really cared, you would leave me alone.”
That’s when I realized how much pain my presence was causing him. That’s when I knew I had to stop. I had to let go of it. Because I really did care. I really did want him to be happy.
I let go.
And we didn’t speak.
And that chapter was closed.
He never ever told me he loved me. But I knew. Words mean nothing when the unspoken words are staring you in the face.
Goodbye my dear