Day 14; Musings of a Loner

What have I been up to lately? Running. Running away from everything and hiding from reality. There are problems I fail to confront and people I’ve been avoiding. Basically trying to save myself from getting hurt and losing myself in the process. I’ve lost my natural enthusiasm for the relationships I worked hard to build and I’m very confused about my position in other peoples’ lives. Of course I’m not in this melancholy mood all the time, there are still the ever present close friends around whom you can’t help but let go and enjoy yourself, but laughter is a quick fix and happiness is a short lived emotion these days. I find that my emotions are more intense and I have a greater appreciation for the little beautiful, sad and honest things life has to offer. This might seem extremely mercurial of me but it feels extremely stable to me. I think this is some kind of withdrawal but from what, I don’t know. I don’t feel sad though. No, it’s not sadness. I don’t feel anything at all. It’s kinda like floating in your own bubble.
Freedom. So I was watching breakfast at Tiffany’s and I picked up that a theme in the plot was freedom, or, relative freedom. Holly thought she could run away from her fears, and in doing this, hold onto her freedom…but in doing so she lost it anyway, and became a prisoner of the lifestyle she’d gotten used to. She had to keep running to hold on to something she’d already lost. In this way, many of us trick ourselves into thinking we can hide/run from our problems when we’re actually just tying ourselves up emotionally.

Self Pity
I never saw a wild thing
sorry for itself.
A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough
without ever having felt sorry for itself.

-D.H. Lawrence


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