Day 10; Look, Listen, Learn

Every day seems to get lonelier and lonelier and I find myself sitting alone wondering what’s going on, but I can never pinpoint exactly what’s going wrong. The fact that friends and family seem to be gravitating away from me doesn’t go unnoticed but I must be losing all feeling, because its that kind of numb hurt where you know its there, but if you try to acknowledge it, it’ll hurt too much. I feel myself becoming bitter and cold, and simply letting go of the people I would usually fight for to keep in my life. Accepting loneliness is becoming easier and more natural to me, and as the days go by, that deep down hurt is manifesting itself into a great wound.
More and more, I see myself finding a way out for everybody and taking the fall. I’m the leader, yes, but that’s not in my job description. I don’t think all this is fair, but this must be my time of trial.
In the instance that they acknowledge the fact that I’m hurting, it doesn’t even make sense to share how I’m feeling and the most they can do is make it worse. Being alone seems to be the only answer anyway because any time I attempt top seek companionship, I’m greeted by insults and pushed away. There’s no escape from this right now and this is one of those things that keep coming back to me, no matter how much I brush it off.
Over and over, I’ve tried to explain how I feel and no one really understands and I think that they will never understand. Certain decisions just have to be made alone, and inevitably, only I can make an effort to get myself out of a position for it to happen. Being with myself gives me more time to think and reflect anyway. If I can’t be around people who are good for me, then what’s the sense in being around them? This is just one of those lessons. I don’t hate people, but who is good for you at a certain period in your life isn’t necessarily good for you at another time. And sometimes, its your time. Maybe this will help me to bring out a more creative side of me. Don’t knock it til you try it.

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