This has never happened before. I feel vulnerable. I feel weak, I’m totally consumed by this thing and its affecting me in the worst way. I don’t usually get personal since my blog is public but I simply need to get this out of my system.
So halfway through a perfectly normal conversation with this “special” person I go completely blank and have no clue what to say. I’m not like that. A string of weird occurrences has led me to believe that this person has some special meaning to me because I basically turn to putty whenever we cross paths. I try to keep it to myself, what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him, and if he knew how I felt, he could possibly hurt me, and I feel a bit silly about the whole thing really. I become a complete fool and that really irks me because I’m all about composure and keeping my cool.
So why is this happening?
I’m a perfectionist (or so I hear). I may not be very perfect but I like to do my best. Going beyond excellence is my excuse for trying to perfect things. As a result of this, I find myself connecting less and less with my male counterparts intellectually since I tend to be interested in way different things than the people in my social circles. This guy is far…from perfect and, even further so, from my idea of…perfect. He’s actually exactly the opposite and I can’t talk to him about stuff like blogs and fashion and my dreams and ambitions. He’s not who I’d run to in the middle of the night with my new idea or thought and I definitely can’t always say what’s on my mind. And I’d like that. But it works. And we get along. There’s just this…frisson. I can’t shake it.
I’m just a big bundle of feelings tonight…I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m backspacing a lot. Anywhoo I’m going to just clear my head and this madness will be over soon. I’m slacking on the designs, so sorry, but writing is so much more fun…and easier. As I grow I’ll become more creative, but in different ways than before. Remember you’re not just finding a new way to paint a pretty picture. You’re creating the creative you.